Company

I wish I could enjoy your company. I've tried here and there and the people I try to hold close. Those that I hold dear; many disappear.
Stranded with emotional feelings that I cannot express. Feelings for someone whom no longer talks to me.
I've tried to be there for someone. To look them in their eyes and see them smile.

Just a dear friend.
I pushed people away in defending you.
I put my feelings first because I didn't want to lose you.
In end you slipped away regardless of what may have happened.

I ruined it with my own despairty to be loved.
I hope you can forgive me one day. I hope to be able to say hi to you again someday.

Struggling to break free of this sleepless cycle.
Push forward and fight with energy.

Break free of this chain.
You can do it.
You have done it before.
Push with passion and energy.

Think forward of what has to be done and accomplish it with vigor.
We are no longer in the past

Driving forward

Trying to catch my breath and push forward. Mustering the energy and to realize a year has already gone by.
I am lost in my affection for someone. There always seems to be a catch. Fast forward a few months and I'm in a bit of a limbo. I seem to become super affectionate towards inanimate objects. Things that I settle into a comfortable feeling but I over explain my affection towards said inanimate objects. I am often filled with lots of energetic thoughts when I seem to really like someone. However, I am unable to fully commit my feelings to her because she, at the moment, is not particularly interested in guys. Yet when we are in person she is okay with me being a bit PDA and trying to flirt with her.

This leaves me in a pickle as I have the poor habit of trying to manage the impossible. I seem to want to try to sway her feelings by being who I am and just showing her the kindness and sweet person I am.
I don't like being in this limbo feeling because I become all over the place. I become obsessive with things I usually do not mention or talk about as much. For example, I will go on about music and how amazingly beautiful they sound on my speakers or headphones more than usual.

I like her. I really do but I don't know if she has feelings towards me or not. It would feel like it but its hard to figure these things out. I am hoping for the best but looking forward to the best and the future.

February will be a busy month.

A happy smile for the day

I am a pretty mushy and affectionate person. Sometimes this gets me into trouble because it builds up and it just wants to go flying everywhere. It tends to happen when I have feelings for someone and I see a possible opportunity.It is like a flow of energy that just swooshes out and wants to wrap around someone. I often worry that I may be a bother or if my texts are bothering said person. It can be hard sometimes to know whether you are being bothersome or not. Texts can be unreliable at times where they don't receive it or that they are busy and simply not able to respond.

I met a girl sometime in summer and to keep things short this little trip will be a interesting and complex one.I honestly can say though that I am happy when she is around. Although nothing is official I notice the little things that subtly pull us together. It has given me a good chance to take things slowly and work out the little details. The challenges to pursue this relationship is unique in its own form to the typical trend. I feel confident  about this and where things are going though. I find it hard being friends with girls. Not something I do well. I think mainly because of me wanting to be affectionate with someone and being friends often at times its cause we get along well and it leads me into wanting to search for more. The result of not having things go my way and its sub-consciously stuck there in my mind. I am; emotionally strong willed I think. Despite all the bad luck and pretty apparent emotional let downs i've been through I have never thought "I'm going to stop dating" or "I give up" or "It is not worth while". I am the type of person who likes to spend my time with someone special and have what I call my happy aura. I like sharing that energy and being able to see that person happy and smile is always a warm feeling.

A smile is a reminder that we are feeling well and are not stuck thinking about the bothersome things in the back of our minds. A smile sweeps away all the stress and unhappy things. I had a pretty good day yesterday being able to play Paintball and seeing someone special has turned a slow week into a better one. To find myself happy in the affection side of the department is something I have longed for and I hope for the best in this pursuit. She surely makes me smile when I am around her.

Outlook for the month

Things have been going pretty well for me lately and I am quite happy. My mental and emotional health is doing pretty good for the most part and is a lot more stable than it was at the start of the year. Things are shaping up for me and it makes me quite happy to see progress in my life.

I start working at MILSIG Paintball Industries after my final exams are finished. I look forward to helping the company expand their product line up and drive the company forward in its growth.

I sit there as the night slowly ticks away and think of what to write.  I have three days to cram for my finals at the end then I can swing away and hope for the best.

I am happy that I am feeling more stable and positive about myself. I have met someone interesting and fun to be with whom I get to paintball with on the weekends when we have the time.

I look forward to the future and I hope for the best. I am enjoying my evenings with my overly expensive but lovely headphone. I will talk more about the completion (for the time being and for a while I suppose :P). of my audio setup.

Musical love.

Hugs!!! <3.
Best thing ever.

A little trip to the aquarium.

I went to the aquarium with the girl today and we had a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun going to the aquarium after so many years. They have added a few things and improved the building. I am genuinely quite pleased and happy going to the aquarium with someone that I have enjoyed meeting and spending time with.

I definitely feel more positive in addition to the things that have been happening. Things are stepping forward and I'm hoping I can pull through for my school work. I am overall happy! :). It is good to have this feeling especially after the previous years of hectic chaos.

I enjoyed spending the afternoon with her at the aquarium and its always great being able to play paintball with her! I am hoping for the best and want to see things go well for us.

African Penguins at the Vancouver Aquarium.